Intermission

Give me a moment... I just can't write...

Chapter 10: A Day She Stopped Caring

Awkwardness Nabbing Normal Expectations

uy may chismis

totoo ba yan?

di ako sure. pero chismis lang to ha...

di ba nag-away si ** at si ***?

oo, bakit?

tapos nalasing si ***... lam mo ba sobrang kawawa si ** sa mga sinasabi niya nung lasing siya

ano ung mga sinasabi?

di ko talaga alam kung ano e. pero grabe, ang laki ng galit niya.

ano kaya ginawa ni ** para magalit si *** ng ganun?

di ko alam. basta sobrang nalasing si *** nung time na yun. siguro frustrated at inis na inis lang, linabas lang niya lahat ng galit niya kay **. kulit din naman kasi ni ** e.

nag-uusap na ba sila ngayon?

di pa nga e. sabi ni ** halos sampung araw na rin silang di nag-uusap.

talaga? kaya pala ganun si ** ngayon. parang ang distant, ano ba naman yan. get a life

oo nga e. di ko rin alam kung sino talaga mali e.

alam ba ni ** ung mga pinagsasabi ni ***?

hindi ata. kung malaman niya un, ano kaya gagawin niya?

kung ako siya, di ko na kakausapin si ***... isipin mo ganunin ka sa harap ng mga taong di ka naman kilala. e di sira na siya sigurado sa friends ni ***

oo nga e. pero in fairness kay ***, at least she was honest. sana lang di malaman ni **. sayang din naman kasi sila e. pansin mo ba na sobrang inspired si ** pag kausap niya si ***

sino bang di nakakahalata nun. sobrang iba talaga siya these past few days. halatang problemado.

si *** ba? may pinagbago?

wala...

sakit naman nun para kay **

pabayaan na lang natin, di naman tayo talaga kasama sa usapang yan e...

This happened inside his mind...

Chapter 9: 10 Days of Silence

Awkwardness Nabbing Normal Expectations

This was pathetic. It's been almost 10 days and there was nothing... Nothing from her...

Wala naman akong ginawang masama di ba? Ako pa nga ung nagsosorry e... Baka nga may nagawa akong masama? Sinungaling? Di ko siya rinespeto? Ewan ko...

The days passed and I am here in the ruins. Is this it? Was it over? Nothing left... But I can't move on. I don't want to move on... A friend told me that maybe I was having fun at doing this. That I am enjoying this... Do I look like I'm enjoying it? Ouch, that hurts.

Halos 10 araw nang ganito, parang kahapon lang lahat ng nangyari. Masama ba magbigay ng bulaklak? mukhang oo e... Masama bang gumawa ng tula? mukhang oo e... Masama bang gumawa ng regalo? mukhang oo e... Ayan tuloy... takot na ako... Takot na ako sa'yo...

This is just retarded and pathetic... Bahala na... After 10 days wala pa rin... Uwi na akong laguna...

Then came a message from her... "Kamusta ka na?"

Chapter 8: A new month, A new story

Awkwardness Nabbing Normal Expectations

Mike planned this for a month but here he is clueless. Tomorrow will be a new month, tomorrow he will dare to do something. He knows nothing good is going to come out of this. But he also knows that he isn't doing anything wrong, in his opinion that is.

Jen has no idea. Well, she actually has but she thinks it's over. What happened last week should be enough. No more drama she thinks.

His friend is excited. She has an idea of what he is planning for her. She also hopes for the best for him. It was all too romantic, too sweet. She couldn't see why it wouldn't work. But she didn't look at the situation from both sides of the equations. She will be there for him. She just hopes for the best.

Mike is just nervous. He knows the real situation, he just doesn't want to accept it. He thinks he is telling everything to his friend without bias. Not sure of why he didn't see what was coming. He was wrong, he was not even close.

On the first workday of the month, Jen saw something in her desk... There was no name on it... It was obvious from whom it came from... Anger filled her thoughts... Frustration... She thought this was over... This was done... She was pissed... really pissed...

Mike got a message... This was what he expected... But it was more than what he expected... It was worse... a lot worse... The silence was deafening... "Shit," he thought.

Mike's friend found out he was devastated. Actually, she didn't find it out from him, it was just obvious. Mike wasn't himself, he had no enthusiasm in his actions, work was affected. She wanted to comfort him but he just wants to be alone.

Jen is there... frustrated, angry, pissed... Until how long, she doesn't know. But for now, she is frustrated, angry, pissed...

Mike was stunned. Nothing to say. He can't even talk right. He can't even think right. He is just stunned...

And the month started like that... She was pissed, he was stunned...

Chapter 7: After 5 years (part 4)

Awkwardness Nabbing Normal Expectations

Ouch... That message almost killed him... But he's used to it. It's not the first and he knows it won't be the last. He's just bad at this.

His thinking is way off right now. He thinks he'd done everything. Maybe he did it too much. He doesn't know. People don't know.

How many times have he been in this situation, he doesn't really know. It's more than he accepts it but again he's here. Damn that hurts him. But he just doesn't learn.

Reading his mind, he still doesn't want to accept it. Actually, he never expected anything. It was a spur of a moment thing. He was honest. It is really what he feels.

Exactly 5 years ago, this happened to another person. But she got a better reaction... She actually expected the reaction. She told him how she feels and how she reciprocates his feelings for her. That relationship lasted a little more than a year. And she doesn't know that she would be the only person to reciprocate that feeling he has in 5 or more years...

And here he is, devastated once more. But in his mind, it's not over. It's just the beginning. The beginning of what? He doesn't exactly know...

Chapter 6: After 5 years (part 3)

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area
Awkwardness Nabbing Normal Expectations

"Bakit ganun, despite knowing how I feel, anjan ka pa rin sweet and thoughtful?"

That was the text I sent to him. I find it really weird how he can still be that guy even if he knows I don't like him. Even if I explicitly tell it to him, he's still there.

Sure he's a nice guy, but I just don't see him as The Guy. He's a great friend, he's nice to talk to but it's not just like that.

Then my phone rang...

"Hello?"

He's saying strange things. Why is he nervous? Oh no. Is this it again. Drama again from him. I'm tired of this. How many times do I have to say it for him to understand.

"Mahal kita"

SHET. That freaked me out. It's been only a couple of months since I've known this guy. It's only been a couple of months since he've known me, can he possibly love me already? Am I doing something wrong? Wasn't I clear?

"Sa text na lang ako reply."

At least I'll have time to think before I reject him for the nth time. This guy doesn't learn. Hmm...

"Haven't we talked about this before, As I've told you, I can only offer my friendship to you. Nothing more."

That text was harsh enough and gentle enough. I hope he gets it this time... I'm tired of all this drama...

Chapter 5: After 5 years (part 2)

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

He is just there, sitting, waiting. It may seem that he's trying to be as busy as he can, it's obvious that something is wrong. He isn't smiling as usual, he isn't as happy as how he used to be, he's just there sitting, waiting.

His wait is in vain. Pride is against him. A pride he can never defeat. This is a losing battle for him. He knows it but that doesn't stop him from sitting and waiting.

As the sun sets and the afternoon is replaced by the darkness of the night, he is still there sittiing and waiting.

And then he stood up. He tries to smile, he tries to show everyone how happy he is but it is just obvious on what he feels. He just wants to sit and wait.

He goes to his friend, and just stays there. Not saying a word, just there, sitting and waiting.

"Bakit ganun?"

He gets an answer but deep inside he knows that whatever answer he receives, it won't be sufficient to explain everything he is feeling. He's there, listening to his friend but still he is sitting and waiting.

Advice and advice was told, he still feels sad. He knows that it was just a little thing. But how it became to this, he doesn't know. He misses her. Why? It's just been a day. He's tired of sitting and waiting.

He goes home... upon reaching it, he grabs his cellular phone. He tries to compose a message. Words escaped him. He doesn't know what to say. He is just plain sad.

He tries again, nothing... another try, still nothing.

After an hour of thinking, he comes up with a message. A short message...

He sends it to her, hoping to get a reply...

Reading the message he sent, he realizes how pathetic that those words are the only words he came up with but he meant every word of it. It read "I'm sorry..."

And then the reply came...

Chapter 4: After 5 years (part 1)

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

Ano ba ang galit mo sa akin. Ano nga ba pinag-awayan natin nun? Ewan ko nga e pero ayun, nag-away tayo kahapon. Ngayon nakatitig ako sa monitor ko. Walang nangyayari. Ilang oras na rin akong tulala. Di ko nga alam kung sino nagalit e. Grabe, apektado ako.

"Pizza po sa taas!"

Uy, may libreng pagkain sa taas. Kaarawan pala ng isa kong kaibigan. Ayan, makapagpahinga muna. Baka sakaling pagbalik ko may mangyaring bago. ASA.

"Dalhan mo naman si Jen ng pizza," sabi ng aking kaibigan.

"Ako? Bakit ako?" sagot ko sa kanya.

"Ikaw nagpaalala sa akin na kasama pala siya dapat. Nalimutan kong sabihan e."

"Sige na nga. Di kaya kami nag-uusap ngayon."

"Tapos? Ok lang yan, bigay mo lang naman e. Sabihin mo na rin na galing sa akin."

"Hay. Asan? Baba na ako."

Grabe, bakit ako kinakabahan. Bibigyan ka lang naman ng pagkain e. Hindi naman ito galing sa akin. Pero naku, nakatingin lahat ng tao. Nakakahiya. Bakit naman kasi tayo nag-away e. Ako ba may kasalanan? Ako ata e. Hay, lagi na lang talo...

"Galing kay mommy..." Eto na naman ang aking signature walk away... Pagbalik ko sa aking pwesto ayun, may salamat galing sa'yo. Di naman ako nagbigay e. Pinabigay lang.

Chapter 3: Graduation

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

Today is my mother's graduation. She's not a student, she's a teacher. But every year I know she looks forward to this day, seeing her students become grown men and women and face life, whether in college or in their work. She always smile on this day...

Today is also my older sisters' birthdays, They're twins, identical twins. People always see them as alike but we, my family and I, can distinguish them even from afar. I think I'm too used to seeing them and their different personalities which is why I can easily distinguish them...

Today is also my big brother's last day as a college student. Finally, all of my parent's children are now college graduate with decent degrees. I know they are proud of us. And I'm proud of them bearing all the sacrifices so that we, their legacies, would be able to face the future with a chance...

Today... what is special today... It's not because of those events I just mentioned. Today is special for me because I will give the last of the set to her today. She doesn't know this yet. I don't even know if I can do it yet...

There are five in the set. every one was given in a same but different manner. Her name was written on a post-it by different people. The first was done by my mentor, the second by my friend, the third by my team leader, and the fourth was not signed but given to her by her team leader... Yeah, pathetic... Well, it's hard to think of stuff when you are confined in this place called work...

I am not the usual sweet guy. I am not usual actually. People know about this. She knows about it. It doesn't matter. I love my uniqueness. But this was all I am. Just a "sweet thoughtful friend." I really don't care. I honestly have no expectations. I just hope it lasts.

I've changed a lot over the years. I changed for the better especially about this. I was the guy who gives up easily. Ask my college buddies, how many was it? four straight in a row I gave up without even trying? I don't remember really. But this was different. I was different. Giving up is there in my mind. But I haven't even started. I was just a sweet thoughtful friend...

I want to give this now, next month would be special. This is the last of the set...

Nothing special for you though. You're used to it already. It might still be awkward. But still I know this isn't the first time this happened for you.

Why do I always choose the impossible... I don't know...

This is the last of the set... the last of the sweet thoughtful friend things...

I hope you see it as that...

"Di ba sabi ko kukumpletuhin ko?" then I walked away... knowing when I get back to my station there would be something waiting for me. A rant probably...

Chapter 2: Friendly Advice

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

"Wag muna ngayon, kelangan namin siya para mag-isip," sabi ko kay Jen.

"Masakit sa ulo e. Di ko alam kung ano ba talaga meron sa kanya. Ang kulit..." yan ang sagot ni Jen sa akin.

Mahirap ang maipit sa gitna. Siyempre kampi ako sa kaibigan ko. Kaso etong si Mike hindi ko rin mawari kung ano ang problema e. Sabi niya wala naman daw siyang balak. Sabi niya "no expectations" naman daw. Pwede ba yun? Imposible kasi ang ganun. Paano nga ba nagsimula ang lahat ng ito.

Nung umamin sa akin tong si Mike na may gusto siya sa bestfriend ko, natawa na lang ako. Pero sa loob loob ko alam ko kung ano ang nasa isip ng aking kaibigan. Sinabi ko naman to kay Mike pero ayun di pa rin nakinig. Sabi niya wala lang naman daw. Sabi niya handa na siya sa mga desisyon niya. Kaso oo nga, malabo pa nga rin siya hanggang ngayon.

Nung binigyan niya ng bulaklak si Jen nung araw ng mga puso, natuwa naman ako para sa aking kaibigan. Alam ko kasing gusto naman niya yun pero hindi naging ganun ang kalabasan. Mabait kung sa mabait itong si Mike, masarap kausap. Pero para kay Jen hanggang ganun lang siya, isang kausap, isang kaibigan lang din.

Kanina nag-iwan ng chocolates si Mike kay Jen. At eto, napasok na ako sa gitna. Si Mike kasi panay ang tanong sa akin, si Jen panay ang hingi sa akin ng advice. Ang hirap ng nasa gitna ng sitwasyong ito. Minsan kelangan kong diretsuhin si Mike pero hindi pa rin natatauhan. Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam kung paano mag-usap tong dalawang ito. Pag nagkatuluyan talaga tong dalawang to, tatawa na lang ako...

Isa pang bagay kaya mahirap ang sitwasyon namin ngayon ay dahil lahat kami ay nagtratrabaho sa isang kompanya. Araw-araw magkikita kami, araw-araw magtatanong sa akin tong si Mike. Minsan nakakainis na talaga na ang kulit niya.

Bahala na, papabayaan ko na lang sila, meron din akong sariling problema. Malapit na rin naman ako umalis dito. Sigurado naman babalitaan ako ni Jen sa mga mangyayari. Bahala na siya kay Mike. Wala na akong paki. Mahirap ang maipit sa gitna. Hindi ko naman hiningi ito nung naging kaibigan ko sila pareho...

Chapter 1: Day 1

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

Everyday is like this. It's been a year that I've been living like this. Waking up, getting ready, riding a taxi to work. No change. I know that I should save up for something important. I know I should save up for my future. But right now, I just don't want to. Wait, there's a taxi...

"Ortigas, Edsa na po tayo daan."

There she is again. I'll never forget that billboard in EDSA. Starting from the day I noticed that the model looks like you from afar, I never missed looking at that billboard. A good way to start my day, I always thought.

"Kaliwa po tayo diyan."

It's been months since I got to talk to you. It started with a simple hi, and a stunned hello. Who said which I don't remember. But at that moment, you got my attention. At first I only saw you as the girl from my office. I never thought that you would one day become my inspiration. About a month after that fateful exchange of greetings, we got to work together. Since we never did talk before, it was like meeting each other for the first time all over again. They always say that first impressions last. Well, my impression of you lasted...

"Baka traffic po diyan, dun na lang po tayo daan sa kabila."

Deciding to work here was my best decision since I graduated. My first job was fulfilling but it didn't pay enough. My second job was out of desperation. Now. here in my third job, in the field I always were inclined to, I am enjoying it. It was boring at first. I never made new friends. I always eat lunch alone. Go home alone and just spend the nights alone. Gimiks were limited. That was then. Now I got to know a lot more people. It was better. Now I am not just loving my work and I am loving the working environment.

"Pasok po tayo diyan"

Love. Such a strong word. It was the last thing on my mind. I know I am not ready for it. The last time I loved, I got to my knees, banged on the head, shot in the heart and got my guts ripped out of me, metaphorically, that is... The trauma was enough to keep me looking far away from that feeling. But that was almost a year ago. How long would it take for me to be not afraid.

"May barya po kayo sa 500? Wala po? Pwedeng 100 na lang... Salamat."

As I walk inside the building, I know today would be different. I did plan this two weeks ago but I never thought the day would actually come. Yesterday I told myself that whatever happens, it was something I wanted to risk. Everything was set in motion. Everything was planned (except for tiny details). Thanks to a friend, I found the confidence to do this once more. And then I saw you... It's early. Oh shit, plan A gone, going to plan B... Wait there is no plan B. uhm, uhm... You saw me, you're going to talk to me. Damn, I didn't plan this...

"Good morning."
"Good morning, aga natin ngayon ah"
"Oo nga e, Valentines e. Happy Valentines"
"Happy Valentines din..."

The elevator opened. we got in. Silence... Ok, there is no backing out... It is not even an option...

Prologue

Making Emotions Linger In Some Solitary Area

In the dark room, he stares into the wall... a blue wall...

He is sitting in a monobloc chair. looking intently, not even blinking. "It's just a damn wall, but why am i looking at it as if it will do something?"

The room had no light. Pure darkness covered him. What's weird is that even though without the light, he knows it's a blue wall he's looking into. Sweat starts pouring all over his body. Not even sure why, he tries to stand up but he just can't. He is hypnotized by the wall... a simple blue wall...

He tries to stand up. He's stuck. He can't move a muscle. It seems like he was doomed to be in this position forever. But he is not afraid. He is at peace. Thinking more about it, he is happy. It was not eternal happiness he felt but momentary happiness. A momentary happiness he is willing to feel in exchange for losing himself.

A light starts to shine in the corner of his eye. He didn't want to look in the light's direction, he was happy with where he was. But the light shined brighter, he felt that it was the end of his freedom. He tries to look away, but the light was still there. He then glares at the blue wall hoping it would do something to stop the light. But it didn't. It was just a blue wall, nothing more.

The light showed what was in the room. That scared him, because other than the blue wall, there was nothing else. There were no windows, there were no doors, there was nothing. It was him, the chair and a blue wall. The other walls didn't matter...

The light consumed him.... then suddenly... he woke up...

Scrambling, he looks at his alarm clock. "Shet, it's 7am!"

Even though work was 3 hours away, he was in a hurry. One thing was on his mind, he got to his phone and dialled a number...

A New Reason

This blog would be given a chance to rest... I will write something here... A series probably.. I haven't thought of the plot yet but it will about nothing in particualr...

The series would be about this guy who has a really cliche type of life... but in his life, these cliches are the reason why he faces complicated stuff...

there... i'll be ready to write about him soon... but not yet...

just waiting...

for what... i don't know...

In all the Depression

Ok, so today was a total disaster...

Every plan just failed...

I ended up in the middle of Ortigas, wandering...

Nowhere to go... no plan...

Finally, i found a place to go...

But it wasn't until half past midnight when everything made sense...

Yes I am depressed and I am still in shock...

Hiling

Nag-iisang pag-ibig ang nais makamit
Yun ay ikaw
Nag-iisang pangako na di magbabago
Para sa ‘yo

San ka man ay sana’y maalala mo
Kailan man asahang di magkalayo

Tanging ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin
Walang ibang hiling kundi ang yakap mo’t halik

Hindi malilimutan, mga araw natin
Kay sarap balikan
At lagi mong isipin, walang ibang mahal
Kundi ikaw

Malayo ka man ay sana’y maalala mo
Kailan man pangako, di magkalayo

Tanging ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin
Walang ibang hiling kundi ang yakap mo’t halik

Not in the Mood...

a phrase often used lately... or is it just me?

im really stressed right now. a lot is happening, i just want time to stop... read a book, sing a song, drink a beer, and enjoy any momentary happiness i can find...

but then again, time never stops, we have to move... we have to live life...

i miss how it used to be. it's hard to fake things... being forced to smile or at least not being sad... but what if it's what you really feel... or is it just the stress talking...

losing one person might be sad.... but what if (and a big what if) you lose two persons so close to you... a friend to hear your weird thoughts, to hear you rant and most importantly to be just there... it's really sad right? well in the end we have to accept it one by one... but then again, maybe losing someone is a really hard feeling.... especially if you know it will never be the same again...

i hope im not insensitive about all this... because deep inside... it's hard... faking everything, faking every laugh, faking every smile... i hate this...

well... that's life though... maybe the more you fake to be happy, the more realistic your happiness becomes...

Les Émotions Rendantes s'Attardent dans Une Région Solitaire
Gêne Attrapant des Attentes Normales
L'Offre d'Aucun Zeste Parmi l'Amour de Chaque Situation
Hypnotisé Comme la Réalité Ne se transforme en Rien

Thanks

Thanks for the happiest birthday you've given me... You may have not done anything but it was the best birthday I had in years just because of your presence...

Actually, my july has also been the happiest because of you. Yet again, you didn't have to do anything but I thank you still...

I'm really thankful for everything that has happened. No regrets, no expectations...

I answered your simple question and this is what happened....

Still I'm thankful...

I'm sorry...

What I feel right now

WORK: im tired and scared... i think it is now official... maybe im used to it already but now, the pressure is there...

FAMILY: nothing... it's stagnant... i'm still not sure what will happen to us... but i think it will all go good... just pray...

SOCIAL LIFE: im thankful... thankful of the new friends i've made this past few months.

"SOCIAL" LIFE: weird confusion... haha... no regrets, still no expectations...

PERSONALLY: im proud... im who i am right now for so many people who have helped. and im in the right path finally... but still, i still lack something... and hopefully i'll get it soon... just hope...

Who would have thought...

Who would have thought you would have that impact on me... When I first met you, you were only known as my friend's TL. I never thought that one day, you would become my TL too.

At first, you were just the boss... The person to sign my OT coupons. But you showed me how a TL should be. You cared for us, you offered us Starbucks on stressful days, you stayed as long as you can to keep us company, you gave us morale... "Mommy", your monicker really meant it, you became a second mom to the team, you became a second mom to me...

I can still remember the day you asked me why I was always late, I shared to you some of my problems and you listened... You became someone I trust... You became more than just an officemate, you became a friend...

Workwise, at first you were hesitant to trust me, but eventually you did. You gave me challenging tasks, you gave me oppurtunities to keep me on my feet. My still being on Azeus I greatly owe to you and whatever success and achievements I make I have you to thank for...

But not once did you treat me as just a workmate, you always treated me as a friend... You never stopped asking how I was and I want you to know that that was one thing that kept me going. I did have my moments, there was a time I just wanted to quit but you're mommy instincts always keep me sane.

Even if you didn't really mean it, you became a mentor to me. Your advise I will always treasure. I learned to keep both feet on the ground because of you. Not once did I see you brag about the things you have done.

I want you to know that I idolize you in every aspect of your life. You are a real life mommy too and you always have your family in mind in everything you do. Which is why I respect your decision but know that we will always miss you...

In a couple of weeks you will leave us... But I know that we can survive without you, you have taught us well, you have shared a lot... It's not about the technical stuff but it's about the virtues/qualities that makes us better people to work with.

Selfishly, I really don't want you to leave...I have so much to ask you... I have so much to learn from you still... But selflessness is one thing I learned from you...

Who would have thought that this would be the last couple of weeks we would be working together...

Here I am thanking you for the things you have given us, all the advice you gave me about work, about life, about love.

Thank you Mommy and I'm sorry I can never repay you for everything you have given me...

Best Advice

Best advice i've heard in a long long time...

"sakay ka lang... go with the flow..."